Real Girl Recap: Matty's Quest For The Perfect Housewife

The Bachelor Australia Episode 9

Real Girl Recap: Matty's Quest For The Perfect Housewife Channel 10

Happy Hump Day friends. Hump day is also #BachelorAU day so here we go for Episode 9!

We begin with the girls reflecting about how weird it is only 10 girls are left. Guys, it's not that weird. Two girls go home every week. It's been like 5 weeks. Do the maths. It makes sense. Let's move on. 

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Osher and his less-impressive looking hair walk into the room with a date card. It's a group date: Jennifer, Simone, Elise and Cobie are picked. 

Police officer Michelle is pretty sure Matty has forgotten all about her. Honey, cops are tops. You look yourself in the mirror and you tell yourself that every night. Admittedly, I also forgot you were still around but HEY, you do you. You have a cooler car than he does. 

ANYWAY it's group date time and this date is going to be extraordinary. He's invited the girls' parents to come along so Matty can meet them. There are so many tears, Noah needs to come back and build an ark. 

Ladies, you've been in a mansion sun-baking for about 4-5 weeks. You haven't been in Iraq. Keep it together. 

After some beautiful reunions, the moment is RUINED when Osher announces they all need to cook to the death. As in, cook the best meal for Matty, so he can determine who will be his perfect house wife. 

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Elise and her dad are making Tuna. TUNA. I was expecting a four-hour slow cooked lamb, seriously. Up your game Elise and dad. Get it together. 

Jokes. 

But seriously, like I said, this date is extraordinary. If it were me, i'd start with some tzatiki and crunchy bread cause if a bloke can handle that, they're a keeper. How good's garlic bread? ALL ABOUT IT. I'd move on to some souvlakia and rice. Cause that's a good hearty meal right there, am I right?

Matty pops into the kitchen to see how Elyse and her dad Phil are going in Masterchef. Oh wait, sorry. This is Bachelor. He and Phil go and have a chat. Matty is literally trying really hard to make up as much nice crap about Elyse as possible. I think he panics half way through his little spill about how 'special' she is and backtracks, and just reiterates his sentiment again.

MATE. IT'S LIKE A BANDAID. YOU JUST GOTTA RIP IT OFF QUICKLY, DON'T LEAD HER ON FOR ANOTHER 2 WEEKS. CAUSE IF YOU LEAVE A BANDAID ON FOR THAT LONG, THE END RESULT IS NOT IDEAL. 

The tuna is served up and Jennifer think's it tastes like chicken. Tuna is the chicken of the sea honey. Watch yourself. 

Jennifer and her mum are making a DECONSTRUCTED BANOFFEE. What. Like I don't have time guys. This isn't bloody Masterchef. It's yummy according to Matty, but he ultimately chooses Elyse to go to spend the rest of the night with and Jennifer is so so devastated. "Her dish was the least impressive". Babe, the only person who would probably agree with you is Matt Preston. But he's not on this show is he? BUILD A BRIDGE DARL, AND GET OVER IT.

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Matty and Elyse have a deep and meaningful conversation about absolutely nothing. Feelings and emotions and fishing and blah, she gets a rose but they DON'T kiss. Honey, you're gonna go home. Gurl, don't even worry about it. Have your fun, but accept your fate. Live your life. 

Anyway, next day, Matty rocks up to the mansion RIDING A CAMEL. 

That's pretty smooth dude.

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Would have been smoother had it been a llama, i'm just saying. Llama's are bloody beautiful.

Elyse refers to Matty as the "camel whisperer". LOL. Righto. He chooses Tara who's not wearing the most appropriate outfit but AS IF ANY OF THEM KNEW HE WOULD ROCK UP WITH A CAMEL. Jennifer is livid cause it's a second date for Tara. Due to Channel 10's budget cuts, they literally stay on the estate and a little picnic has been set up for them and they smell and taste tea. OK PRODUCERS. Can we chat? Ima call you. K thanks. To your credit, at least it's not another boat. 

NEK MINUTE A BELLY DANCER ROCKS UP WITH A SNAKE. And then Matty and Tara begin to belly dance.

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And poor Matty doesn't like snakes.

We cut back to the mansion and Jennifer is still fuming. Look, I get it. Jennifer is great for ratings, she's saying everything the producers want her to, but i'm a bit over it. I see right through it all. So much DRAMA that I don't have time for. 

Back on the date, and Tara's a little legend in a very bogan way. She says it as it is. She keeps it real. 

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Matty's like you make me laugh and Tara's like thanks darl, you're my soulmate and he talks about kids again, and Tara's ready. She is ready to conceive right there and then. Her ovaries are ready to go. They kiss, and Tara does a piece to camera after and says "I could definitely fall in love with Matty, he's perfect".

I ship this couple very much. Tara's a strong contender. Think about their babies as well. How cute. 

It's cocktail party time guys and Jennifer is still talking about her bloody desert she made and how annoyed she is that he didn't pick her. JENNIFER HONEY. YOU DECONSTRUCTED BANOFFEE PIE. MY TWO-YEAR-OLD NIECE CAN DO THAT (with some help) but I'M JUST SAYING. 

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Jennifer, in her quest to prove herself, decides to cook him more desserts. She's going to make him taste test everything. "I hope you appreciate this, I was in the kitchen cooking all day for you" she says. MATE. 

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She puts him on the spot, she's fearful she's been 'friend-zoned'.

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She starts talking about layers. Onions have layers. And you know what's like an onion? Ogres.

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Jennifer does a piece to camera and is like I'm an awesome catch. I'm a great cook. He needs to marry me. She then decides to poison the food in the house so the other girls perish and she's the last one standing. I'm just joking - but gurl, you're gonna go home. Only a matter of time. You'll prob survive a few more episodes for ratings, but then you're gonna go. 

Controversially, Michelle and Elora are left. There's no way Elora can go home, they totally spent the night together last week. Michelle goes home. And Australia is sad, because COPS ARE TOPS. And he never really gave her a chance. 

We cut to a shot of Jennifer crying. Guys, let's take a minute. 

GET IT TOGETHER GIRL.

Michelle is dignified right until the end and has been thus far. GO GIRL.

Until the next episode guys!

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