Guys, what a MASSIVE couple of days it has been. So much drama. And dramatic music. And montages of Matty swimming. Tonight, not one, not two, but THREE girls leave the mansion. Thank goodness right? Like I don't even know half their names. And Laura totally has it in the bag, amiright? Like Matty, calm down already. Anyway. Without further ado, here we go for Episode 8 of The Bachelor Australia!
We begin with the girls lamenting the fact that Leah is gone. "I'm so glad she's gone". "Everything is so calm". "We are so happy". True story. There's a girl who I have no idea actually existed. Seriously. She's hurt, I don't know why.
Single date time and controversially, Elora is chosen for a second date. Immediately, we cut to a shot of Jen doing a piece to camera and she says "I'm absolutely disgusted... Elora, scum of the earth, on a second date". SCUM OF THE EARTH. Jen, that's pretty intense darl. However, I find myself agreeing that perhaps Matty should have taken someone else on a date. But then again, i'm technically agreeing with Jen and that's just not ideal.
Twitter is literally flooded with tweets about how it's unfair. ANYWAY, date time and Matty takes her hiking, and again, I don't have time. I don't want to exercise on a date.
Back at the mansion, the girls are cut that Matty has taken Moana on a date. (She does look like her amiright). AND THEN THE GIRL WHO I HAVE NO IDEA WHO SHE IS SAYS "I'm invisible. He thinks i'm in catering".
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH that's so mean but HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA.
Back on the date and Matty has one of the inflatable swans and fully makes out as though he blows it up himself and it's complete rubbish because I have a flamingo the same size (his name is Rodney) and it took us two hours to blow up and then we gave up and took it to a servo and got it pumped with air.
Matty and Elora totally pash and the swan floats off to freedom because let's be real, they totally neglected him. Be free swan, be free.
They go and roast marshmallows by a fire and the music is just so full on. It's from Lord Of The Rings, i'm like 99% sure. Matty throws a MASSIVE spanner in the works. He tells Elora that they will be STAYING OVER FOR THE NIGHT. She's totally stoked and Australia's like ummmmmmmmm mi scusi? MI SCUSI MATTY? MR BOY NEXT DOOR, YOU'RE ALREADY DOING SLEEPOVERS but it's ok, live your life. You're an adult. It's fine. We're all fine. Totally fine.
So he walks her to her room and she's puts on the smoulder eyes and she's like "sooooooo you wanna come in" like they do in the movies. THE SUSPENSE. AND THEN THEY CUT TO A COMMERCIAL BREAK. ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER. Well played Channel 10 but I don't have time. Like there's not time.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion:
Ok guys, we're back from the break and i'm not even joking but they totally just forgot that scene even existed because nek minute Matty is running through the forest. He's like "we just ended the night with a kiss". NO WAY MATE. THERE'S NO WAY. So suss.
So Matty's running and then decides he wants the rest of the girls back at the mansion to join him on the date and nek minute they're all in the car and they're like "oooooh what do you think happened".
The girls arrive and the group date isn't actually a group date. It's a competition, and they have to exercise. They literally have to run and find clues and all this other crap and at THIS point i'd be like you know what? IT'S NOT WORKING. It's not you, it's me. Good luck with your life.
Like i'm watching them all run and not gonna lie, I puff just walking up stairs. I'd prob be dead.
The girls have to run to find clues and if they answer them correctly they progress but if they get it wrong they have to stand for a minute in a time out. Florence cheats cause this is a stupid game and she's awesome. She literally is cheating the WHOLE time. I love her. She's my hero. FLO YOU'RE DOING AMAZING HONEY. YOU DO YOU GURL.
Flo and Matty go and have some alone time. She's like I have to confess something mate, I cheated because your stupid game is stupid and this whole show is stupid and i'm hungry from all that running and i need to eat. Matty's like i'm so disappointed in you but i'm turned on at the same time.
She gets a rose, for cheating. I need some Nutella. They pash because the producers are in the background literally breathing fire down Matty's neck warning him the ratings will be crap if he doesn't.
Rose ceremony time and the girl who's name I didn't know, turns out to be SHARLENE. Onya darl.
Sharlene asks Michelle if her boobs look ok, and then goes and says to him "I'm actually one of the Bachelorettes, I'm not a caterer and i'd love to speak to you when you're free" and walks off. Matty is in trouble. They go have a chat and she's straight up with him, she tells him they haven't spent enough time together. Matty tells her in a nice way that he's just not that into her, and basically tells her nothing romantic is gonna happen. Her face, including my face as well:
Brutal, but fair I guess.
She's speechless. Like i'm speechless. She keeps saying thanks. She goes back and tells the girls that she's decided to leave. Whatever girl, save face. You do you.
She's like we had nothing in common. I like pugs, martial arts and musical theatre. He doesn't. It was never meant to be. At this point i'm actually LOLLING on the floor. Sharlene's in a musical theatre production every season for goodness sake and gurl if Matty doesn't appreciate that, you go and leave and be free and live your life.
In the end, Lisa gets the last rose and I feel as though she's feeling a bit resentful. Matty what are you doing mate. Lisa is a legend. Anyway.
Alix and another blonde girl go home and RIP. Husband decides to contribute his one and only piece of commentary for the evening. "Oh, she seemed nice". Thanks darl. Love ya.
Until next time folks!