I Felt So Much Shame: Heidi Gets Real About Her 'Big Brother' Experience & Anxiety

It’s easy to forget that our very own Heidi Anderson was on reality TV once upon a time.

Cast your mind back to 2013 and Heidi was broadcast on TV screens across the country on Big Brother!

Recently our girl found herself driving past Dreamworld, where the show was filmed, and remembering the huge struggle she had with anxiety whilst on the show and even more-so afterwards thanks to one comment by a producer. 

Taking to social media, Heidi opened up about not being educated about what anxiety was at the time and reflected on how much she has grown since.

Take a look: 

"WARNING ⚠️ this is a long post...about MY BIG BROTHER experience! Ha ha 6 years on...but some stuff I’ve never told a soul!" she began. 

"The reason why I’m sharing this is... I’ve just spent the last few hours sitting at Brisbane Airport ready to fly home after a gals weekend in Byron! I drove past @dreamworldau where we lived in a house completely shut off from the world 🌍 I lasted 6 weeks & it was by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever done ✅

"I don’t really talk about my experience much because if I’m honest with you, I felt so much shame & anxiety when I left the house 🏡 I was so bloody happy to be evicted because I was so unhappy in there the last week, I was not myself at all & that is broadcasted to the whole of Australia 🇦🇺 It has been SIX years this year since the experience & I have never watched an episode 😳 I have seen a highlights reel & that was enough for me ❤️ I want to talk about this now because I didn’t really understand myself back then & I have healed from the experience now!

"BUT f*** me, it took years to appreciate & love & accept that I did my best & to embrace the experiment and not beat myself up for it 🤯I get asked asked a lot WHY I did it & if I’m completely honest it was on my bucket list since I was 18 years old. I auditioned for years & years & when I was in my late teens for some reason I was craving fame & thought 💭 this is what I wanted! Ha ha at 29 years of age when I entered the house, that couldn’t of been further from who I was. It was more of a challenge to get in the house ha ha as I auditioned so many times, I thought... f*** I need to prove to these f***ers they should put me in there! So in 2013 I entered the B.B. house 🏠

"I met some incredible people in there & created memories I will never ever forget ❤️ some of the guys I still adore today & we will share a life long bond. WHAT I didn’t know about myself... because I wasn’t really self aware & I was uneducated on the matter, was I was suffering from #anxiety ❤️

"I was diagnosed in 2010 BUT what I didn’t get was that... it didn’t just go away! I honestly thought after completing my sessions at the psych back then I was cured. I also thought the way my brain 🧠 was wired, was how everyone’s was ha ha how wrong was I? 😂🤯😱

"I have a chemical Imbalance & no matter what I do to help myself unfortunately I will have it for life. These days I understand my behaviour when I’m anxious & I do many things to help myself to keep it under control. It’s not perfect but it’s progress. The house was by far one of the toughest things I ever did. I changed in there for the whole of Australia to see & I felt that but didn’t know or understand myself to explain what was happening.

"I went in there this happy, bubbly life of the party kind of girl & came out an angry, unhappy & confused soul. I will never forget one of the producers saying to me the day after I was evicted, 'You weren’t the person in there, we thought you’d be' & wowee that huge trigger sent me on a viscous cycle of insecurity, shame, embarrassment - these words went over & over & over for months, even years!

"I had let them down & I had let myself down! I beat myself for so long, I wish I knew then what I know now because I would’ve asked back 'what do you mean?' Then explained the way my brain works when [I was] anxious. I become cold, sometimes anger comes out because of the fear, I become reclusive & can be very abrupt! I felt unmotivated somedays & I was constantly overthinking everything anyone said to me in there. He was right though, I wasn’t myself. I was out of my comfort zone & all I could think about was what everyone else thought of me!

"I wish I could’ve educated the public of Australia on anxiety but I had no idea myself at that stage what it really was & how it was affecting me on a daily basis. People just thought I was a moody bitch & I wasn’t. I was an insecure 😟 frightened, people pleaser, who wanted to just please everyone - producers, housemates & the public!

"Once I was evicted, the social anxiety sky rocketed. No one knows this except my mate whose house I stayed in, but I couldn’t get off the floor of his spare room for three days. I couldn’t go home, talk on the phone or see anyone because I was so empty & embarrassed by what that producer said to me. I tried to avoid watching the show, using social media & reading comments & articles about me. I was judging myself enough, I didn’t need the public to judge me too ❤️

"I have since healed from the experience & that has been through understanding myself & what really went on. I am grateful for the opportunity & I did honestly have some of the best times of my life in there. YES I said & did things I regret BUT I am only human & I am thankful for the friendships I got out of it & the experiences. Wow after almost 6 years, it feels good to get that off my chest!

"THANK YOU to everyone and anyone who has supported me over the years! I love you all ❤️🙏💕"

If you are concerned about your own wellbeing, are experiencing a personal crisis or are concerned about someone else, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or at www.lifeline.org.au 

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