What You Never Expected! (After You've Expected)
What happens when you've got a new baby!
I had huge plans of meditating through my labour. Hahaha I know, right? What a classic Hypothetical Parent thought/wanker.
In my mind I would be connecting with some higher spirit of baby-getting-out-er-ing whilst I swam through the oceans of Atlantis with a freaking mermaid tail, humming the tune of the Water Gods and drinking from the Fountain Of Fertility. Obviously none of that happened. Instead I actually transformed into Satan himself and screamed explicits (that were honestly, even new to my dictionary) at everyone who even dared to look at me. I was an actual dragon. Even I was scared of me. Probably the reason that my baby took so damn long to leave my cosy insides was because it feared to meet the Satan-like creature waiting for it on the other side of the light.
I couldn’t really blame her.
But that was just the beginning of the surprises that parenting threw at me. As it turns out, none of us have any bloody clue what we’re doing. Don’t be fooled by the Mums on Instagram who have perfectly clean houses, eleventy-hundred children who they refer to as their ‘Mini’ (ugh, I’m sorry I just can’t with that one), make-up on their face ERRY DAMN DAY (!?), a husband who hands them toast and coffee in bed (um, hello Chris? Toast?) and children who are dressed immaculately (and expensively). Don’t be fooled! Good on those people! If their life is truly butterflies and Brand Rep-ing then bloody brilliant! BUT for the rest of us who haven’t brushed our hair in seven months, have houses that look like they’ve been housing a family of 300 goats and new babies who think sleep is for the dead- let’s all just admit defeat and realise WE are the normal ones (please, somebody back me up on this).
Being a Mum is AMAZING. But it’s also so much more than just wearing matching outfits and going on coffee dates (this was an annoying surprise). Being a Mum is just one shocking discovery after another.
- “What do you mean I can’t wash my baby for four days?”
- “Oh my god, I can’t stop sniffing the shit out of my baby’s head. This is what crack addicts must feel like.”
- “Dear Google, I’m worried that if I do a poo all of my organs will fall out of me.”
- “So I had my baby four days ago and I woke up this morning and I had to yell at my husband to bring me a snorkel because I am drowning in the enormity of my boobs. Also I’ve cried ten times already this morning and it’s only 7am.”
- “Sooooo it turns out everything in this world can kill you and I’m afraid of everything now.”
- “Has somebody been sneaking Chemo into my morning coffee? Because I’m basically bald now.”
- “Oh my goodness, I just called my 10 day old baby a douchebag.”
This list could honestly go on for about forty years. But you get the idea! You can’t prepare for Motherhood! Or birth! Or becoming Satan for thirty hours! You just can’t bloody do it! All you can do is have a crack and hope for the best! And apparently (thank GAWD) I’m not the only one who thinks this! I asked a lot of you (wonderful/amazing/incredible/yes I’m sucking up to you) women some of the things that shocked you the most about becoming a new Mum. And you answered! How brilliant!
So I compiled all of your answers into an almost illegible (unfortunately for me) list and discussed them on my latest podcast. Okay, fine! It’s my first podcast ever! But I’m not being weird about it. (If you listen to it I will send you a lock of my first born’s hair).
But have a listen! Have a laugh! Sorry if I discuss my cervix in DETAIL. Actually, I’m sorry that I even discuss my cervix at all! (HA! Kidding, I’m not sorry). And make sure to let me know what you think through my ‘Social Pipes’ (Ugh, Mikki. You’re a wanker).
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