This Realistic Christmas Album Needs To Be Made Immediately

I need a songwriter!

Article heading image for This Realistic Christmas Album Needs To Be Made Immediately

You name a celebrity and they have a Christmas album. Sia, Hanson, Rihanna, Destiny's Child, Snoop Dogg , Kylie Minogue and even Hilary-freaking-Duff all have Christmas albums.

(Of course, the old school crooners like Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin have them too. And I have to say, Dean Martin is so drunk in his version of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer at the end of the song he calls him “Ruddy the red dick reindeer”. It’s the highlight of my Christmas listening to that.)

The songs on these celebrity Christmas albums are the usual carols. 12 Days Of Christmas, Rocking Around The Christmas Tree, Jingle Bells

Then they will do a few original Christmas songs. Which are always the best. Songs like - You Make It Feel Like Christmas, Every Day Is Christmas With You, My Gift Is You and Under The Christmas Lights.

Ugh, so boring and predictable. Romanticised crap.

(Side bar - Besides Mariah Carey’s Christmas original All I Want For Christmas Is You, none of them really make it into the zeitgeist of Christmas carol fame.)

What I’m looking for is a more realistic/ relatable Christmas album. I have the titles, I just need a songwriter.

Here is my proposed tracklist:

  • Christmas Is A Hard Time of Year (Because My Family Hate Each Other)
  • Christmas Decorations Don’t Need To Be Up In October
  • That Christmas Sweater Isn’t Necessary in Australia
  • You Have Clearly Regifted This (featuring Justice Crew)
  • Parking Is A Nightmare (Why Didn’t I Shop Online) (featuring Cosima Devito)
  • I Hate My Cousins I Only See Once A Year
  • Mum We Don’t Need A Family Santa Photo We're In Our 30s
  • Santa Photos Are Overpriced (featuring Samantha Jade)
  • I Love My Office Kris Kringle - Said No One Ever
  • All I Want For Christmas Is A Bunnings Voucher
  • I’ve Eaten All The Cadbury Chocolate-Covered Peanuts We Bought For Christmas And It’s November

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Tanya Hennessy

18 December 2018

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Tanya Hennessy

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