Real Girl Recap: There's Something Massive Missing On The Bachelor

Will people still watch?

Eleni Paneras

30 August 2017

Eleni Paneras

Article heading image for Real Girl Recap: There's Something Massive Missing On The Bachelor

Welcome to another episode of The Bachelor Australia guys. Here we go.

The episode begins with Tara saying "Is it me or does this house feel relaxing?" reflecting about Jen's departure. Is it me, or does this season really need to come to an end? 

The girls continue talking about Jen's departure for about 10 seconds. RIP Jen. I kinda miss her. I miss her telling us how amazing she is, how well she can cook, why everyone else is a mole, and why she's too good for Matty. 


Simone is absolutely GUTTED that Laura gets picked for another single date. At this point, Simone is the only girl in the house who hasn't had a single date with him and she's like WTF MATE.

Girl, ima break it down for you. He's just not that into you. Jen walked out last episode which meant there was no rose ceremony where he probably would have eliminated you to keep Jen around for ratings but Jen left. So it's highly likely you're just gonna go home this week. Sorry, not sorry. 

Moving on, Matty picks Laura up and they go and see a psychic. I've got nothing. Matty does a piece to camera and says "Laura and I get on super well but when it comes to her feelings, she's super guarded". YA THINK MATE? SHE'S KNOWN YOU FOR FIVE MINUTES. 


Matty asks the psychic questions like "Do you think I understand who Laura is?" and the psychic is like "Hmmmm probably not". Matty then breaks up with Laura cause YOLO. Not really, but guys, seriously? I'M A BETTER PSYCHIC THAT. THIS DATE IS SO RANDOM.


Later that evening, Matty takes Laura to the Sydney observatory. They start looking at planets like Jupiter and they're both like WOW, OMG, THAT'S SO COOL. 

Guys really? Look at that. That's Jupiter. *slow clap* 

Then he shows her another star which is 150 light years away that MATTY HAS LIKE BOUGHT or something. So he has his own star. So they're gonna name it. They named is Mataura. So they have a combination of both their names. So lame. 


The conservatory chick's like that star will be around for billions of years, and this tweet sums up my feels:


Finally they start talking about their feelings and Matty's like oh yeah but the psychic said you're guarded. Matty, I don't have time mate. Don't start a sentence with "the psychic said". 

Laura opens up a bit and says  "It's hard to be completely open when you're not mine. We're not at a point where I can give you everything I am and vice versa and we can just enjoy this for what it is and it's amazing... I don't want to be hurt... And I really really like you". 

Matty panics because the producers aren't feeding him any lines at this point, and we're not sure whether he wants to abort the date, or just be emotionally vulnerable, so he just kisses her which seems to do the job. 

Moving on and it's group date time. We see a bunch of t-shirts hanging with baby photos on them so we're obviously going to find out which one matches to which girl. The theme of this date is "Matty wants to find out about your past". LOL. Righto. Simone's like I'M IN IT TO WIN IT YOU GUYS. I'VE GOT THIS. Gurl, bye. 

Matty then proceeds to match up the girls to their tshirts. Flo thinks Laura looked like an 'ugly monkey" when she was young. A "cute ugly monkey". That doesn't make sense.  

Meanwhile Simone's baby photo features her with red hair and she's like I'M NOT A RED HEAD, I'M NOT RED DOWN THERE, NO. Calm down Simone. 

So the girls put on the t-shirts and the first challenge they need to do is to eat a donut off some string and FINALLY we're getting somewhere with these dates guys. EATING DONUTS. How civilised is that. Sign me up for the Bachelor. Not really, but still, I approve of this date. 

Also, can I just say, at this point I really miss Jen. Like yeah she was a bit of a mole, but her entertainment value was LEGIT. Everyone is so normal and nice, like i'm yawning guys. 

Like i'd love to sit here and detail what else they did on the date but guys, seriously, I don't wanna waste your time. It involved busting balloons with bodies, putting stickers on him to demonstrate what they like the most about him physically while he's blindfolded. 

Tara puts a sticker on his butt because it's Tara and she's a legend. 


Simone puts a sticker on his *ahem*.


Best part of the ENTIRE show though, is when Matty had items from the girls' past sent to him by their families. Simone's mum sent ballet slippers and Simone does a piece to camera is like ummmm i've never done ballet. So being the legend she is, she just went with it, and made up some stuff about doing it for three years and stopping because she's uncoordinated. LOL


Matty ultimately chooses to spend some time with Elise and Simone's like ready to walk out. Gurl, go home. Go. You do you. 


Gotta be really honest with you guys, Elise is a bit of a dark horse. Things are heating up between the pair of them. Watch this space. If you're still watching. When does this show end? A few weeks surely. 

But in all seriousness, where's Jen. We miss Jen. We miss the drama. I know that in previous recaps i haven't had time for her outbursts but everyone is so beige now. We need fired up Jen to storm in holding a chocolate soufflé and forcing it down the girls throats. BRING BACK JEN. 

Fast forward to the cocktail party and some of the girls feel a bit weird watching Matty so flirty with Tara. They're all starting to get real, and realise they're all dating the same man. What i'm more impressed with, is their hair. Some seriously nice hair tonight ladies. 


Guys can we also talk about this chick, Lisa? It's like the producers are PURPOSEFULLY phasing her out. They don't feature any pieces to camera from her, they hardly feature her. What's doing. 

Guys, in the end, one of the funniest girls ever goes home. Simone. Watch the ratings nose dive. Again, he never really gave her a chance did he? No single date. But you know what Simone, GO AND LIVE YOUR LIFE. You got this. 

One things for sure. Nothing will be the same without Jen.

Until next time!

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