CARLY REVIEWS BACHIE IN PARADISE

My hopes are as high as Osher's hair!

CARLY REVIEWS BACHIE IN PARADISE

My hopes for this show are as high as Osher’s perfectly sculpted hair quaff. 

HERE WE GO ……. Looks like Osher has ditched the suit for a Hawaiian shirt.

 I’m already loving the loose vibes, we have holiday Osher now.

 

 It’s time to get LOOSE just like his cotton shirt probably sourced from Lowes by a producer because let’s be honest they are the ONLY place to get a decent Hawaiian shirt.

 Tara has just arrived we already want her to win all of the hearts just like she won ours instead of Matty J’s. No fitted gowns here, she’s also channeling the 90’s with a frangipani tucked behind her ears, she has already asked where the bar is and referred to the men as fresh meat she’s our spirit animal. If she can track down a man with as much enthusiasm as the bar she has got this.

 Here comes Michael we already hate him and see through his cameo. He has no interest in finding love he is just looking for more exposure and Instagram followers so he can flog some more cheap bracelets online in an attempt from returning to a nine to five job. Tara NO get away from him, Michael shut up women sweat to mate.

Luke and Lisa are both lumped in together because let’s be honest they are the throwaways – they will be eliminated in the first couple of weeks.

 Leah is getting the evil music treatment and a grand dramatic entrance she is defs getting paid extra to stir the pot this season. She’s already keeping the producers happy and ensuring a lot of airtime by saying things like she likes to stir things up.

 Tara and Leah were on the same season they have previous beef the casting gods have delivered.

Here comes Davy, mate words of advice if you under 55 you can’t use the word “larrikin.”

 Tara greets her “mate” Brett and drops the bomb he has a girlfriend on the outside, Michael acts shocked and disgusted someone isn’t here to find fame …. I mean love.

 Leah’s claim to fame is an on screen kiss NEXT.

 The New Zealand dude I’m not naming him because we are not keeping him for long breakdanced for a bit one time to Sophie Monk.

 Leah is sniffing around for a rose and has already put herself on a date whether the bloke likes it or not she’s determined to get the best Skinny Me Tea deal she can at the end of this.

 Here comes flo – rider AKA Florence and she’s using all her assets to attract the right man even Tara gets flushed and seems to be working the fan overtime.

 Flo-rider has already started Swinging around with the men.

 RETURN OF THE MACK …………..Unlike the original version this Return of the Mack has ZERO musical abilities he freakishly recalls what Leah was wearing Leah’s drama senses start tingling and they were right.

 

Here comes Blake the Snake in and outfit that boohoo probably paid him good money to wear. He is already calling himself part dooshbag hold on mate that’s Australia’s job to do that.

Jake someone or other is here he obvs hooked up with Florence after Family Feud (good network branding) they would’ve bonded over how good they would photograph together on Instagram.

 Everyone is in the pool and half naked doing a great job of making me feel amazing about my life choices of binge watching TV whilst covered in Dorito dust.

 Holiday Osher is funny he quips back to Tara and jokingly brings up the time he dumped her on national telly.

 Ol mate is saying he doesn’t have a girlfriend DON’T CALL TARA A LIAR.

 In the spirit of equality they put the women in control first wow its moments like this that would make our suffragettes sisters proud.

 Now it’s turned into shark tank with every guy pitching themselves to the women and why they would be a good investment.

 It seems like everyone wants to go with the Flo – but Leah gets a pity date.

 Flo is pissed she gave good side boob what more could she have done to win Davy over!

 Flo is apprehensive to cut out the middle man and hook up with Jake again because it basically makes her appearance on the show Null and void.

 To remind us we are on an island we have dancers in grass skits, Leah is loving her first taste of “culture”

 We have swapped the candles for wicker torches someone went to Bunnings! Now Leah is all cultured she isn’t feeling the kiss.

 Flo is acting shocked that a guy living on the Gold Coast who was on a reality show would have a reputation.

 She’s treating that Rose like her virginity she isn’t just going to give it to anyone she is bailing Jake up and between the two of them they use the word reputation more than a Taylor Swift song.

 Flo must’ve been a school teacher in a previous life because she doesn’t appreciate people going to the bathroom without permission and that seems to be it for Jake.

 Jake is having to rethink how he is going to extend his fifteen minutes and get a rose from another girl.

 Leah literally ran away from Davy after he yelled out what’s up dawg and rightly so.

 She’s clearly NOT feeling it, and neither is Flo after getting snubbed so she walks her side boob right past him to let him know what he is missing.

 Davy wants Flo and her side boob back.

 Here comes Keira and has declared “people do know who I am” and declares she’s real and bikini ready which is ironic because she literally has had so much work done to get bikini ready.

 Blake the snake is straight in there, Michael is a HARD NO from Keira due to his veneers…… fair enough.

 Davy is talking to Flo and Jake intercepts and takes her away.

 VERTICT: Holiday Osher is much better, the stars (or lack there of) are aligning for the perfect drama which will make for amazing viewing and Sarah and Telv are SO last week.

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