Guys, we begin this episode with a dramatic preview of Jen unleashing her wrath in a 'drama cabana' and i'm confused. What's the drama cabana? We shall see.
It's the day after the rose ceremony and Jen is still mourning the loss of her police officer friend Michelle.
Osher walks with a date card and low and behold, it's a single date for one of the girls from the group date the day before. Jen starts doing the math and discovers she's got a 25% chance of being picked. Well done honey.
Elyse is ultimately picked, and this is Jen's face:
That just made my year.
Matty does a piece to camera talking about a 'slow burn' with some girls and not dismissing them too quickly - but he's LITERALLY just dismissed so many without actually getting to know them. Just saying. He picks up Elyse in a double decker bus because he loves London. Righto.
But he also loves Sydney. So they go for a tour around Sydney. He stops at a florist in Bondi to get her flowers after revealing he only gets flowers for his mum. HIS MUM.
Like seriously mate? That's really nice of you, but like come on. COME ON.
You give out a rose every week. She doesn't care about your bunch of flowers, she cares about that red rose. Keeping it real for you dude. I still can't get over that photo of Jen above. It literally is the best.
On the next stop of the Sydney bus date is a park in the Eastern Suburbs. Mate, take her to Burwood Westfield, seriously.
At the park, he pulls out hockey sticks cause she used to play hockey, and like again, exercise. Not about it.
Look at him guys. Look at him.
Back on the bus, and he drives her to a port, where they get on another BLOODY BOAT. This is boat #5 or 6 for the season you guys.
Sneaky sneaky Matty has an ulterior motive - there's a SPA on the boat so she's gonna have to strip.
Matty does another piece to camera and is like "I just might have found someone I could have a future with" and Elyse is like just take me now, right now. In a very reverse back-to-front way she tells him she's falling for him and girl, it's been 5 weeks, and he has like 9 other girlfriends, so put the brakes on honey.
Matty has said that about like 5 other girls. I don't have time.
I just can't get over the fact they're on another boat. Yesterday it was a camel, today it's another boat.
Anyway, they pash because, well, obviously, and i'm just excited it's the ad break so I can go and grab some cookies.
Next day, it's group date time - and all the girls are invited to attend. All the girls are literally staring at him, trying to do the smoulder with their eyes.
This is Elora:
This date is another exercising date. Matty hits cricket balls and the girls have to catch his balls in their nets.
Yeah i'm not joking, read that sentence again, twice if you must. What game are you playing producers?
The next challenge is to THROW THONGS INTO AN ESKI and i'm sorry, that is the most bogan thing ever. Like I'm a proud Australian, but THONGS INTO AN ESKI?
I'm done. RIP.
Meanwhile Jen's like I'm the best bloody thong thrower in all the lands, come at me.
Meanwhile, I've finished my cookies and have sent Husband to Coles.
The final challenge is beach volleyball and at this point, i'd be walking up to Matty and eliminating myself.
Ultimately only one team wins - and a small group of girls go and spend some time with him. They eat dinner and Tara's mid-sausage when Matty asks to go and have a chat with her. So she takes the sausage with her. AND THAT RIGHT THERE IS A WINNER.
WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER.
Let's move on to the cocktail party, and Jen has it out for Lisa. She is literally trying to destroy her. Jen is like Matty needs to know the truth about Lisa and I'm confused because I don't even know what she means?
Jen and Matty go for a chat and like it's so cringeworthy watching her trying to be cute and sassy, like GURL it ain't working.
She tells Matty that she needs to be mindful of Lisa, and that Lisa sees Matty as a brother, she's not that into him blah blah blah and that Matty is only on the show to raise his profile. and where the hell is this all coming from? Not ONCE in this season have we been shown footage of Lisa saying that kind of stuff about Jen.
Matty puts Lisa on the spot, and she defends herself with dignity.
You know, what Jen's done is really NOT cool. Backstabbing isn't cute. Elyse stands up for Lisa and puts Jen on the spot. And at this point, ain't nobody got time for Jen. Like nobody.
The girls turn on Jen, and she realises she's messed up and begins to cry. IT'S TOO LATE JEN. TOO LATE.
She walks off and is filmed saying she's over it, she wants to go home. A producer comforts her. Sneaky, sneaky producers. One of the producers has an English accent. She's really good. She's using reverse psychology. Jen's face right now.
NEK MINUTE SHE STORMS OUT OF THE HOUSE. SHE LITERALLY LEAVES. IS THIS REAL HOUSEWIVES? WHERE IS HER CAR?
And her last piece to camera: 'I'm the girl who walked away from Matty J'.
BYE GURL. IT'S BEEN GREAT. YOU DO YOU.