Welcome to The Bachelor 2017! Ok, I sound like Osher. But seriously, I am equally excited and nervous for this season - only because I want Matty for myself, not gonna lie. I actually met him yesterday. He visited the office and I turned into a giggling mess. I know what you want to know - is he really that gorgeous in person? YES, HE IS EVEN BETTER IN PERSON!
Anyway, back to the show. First off, we're given an overview of the whole season. This is our chance to identify the voices saying "I love you" then try to figure out exactly which girl is saying it. Well, if you're dying to know like I am, it's not a bad idea.
We're then taken to Matty at the beach. We see his insane rig (just gonna pause the TV there) and he's looking into the distance at the waves. So serene. Next up is a bit of Baywatch-style slow motion running - the best kind of running...because no one likes running!
The reflections from The Bachelorette begin. We see Georgia Love break Matty's heart all over again and the pain.is.real. "Getting you heart broken really does suck" - I feel ya Matty! Watching you fall in love with someone else is already breaking my heart.
But luckily for him, every unattached girl in Australia is swooning over Matty. For some reason I feel like he has nothing to worry about? Idk, just a feeling hey.
My ovaries start to pulsate as we're shown Matty with his adorable af nephew. He is so good with babies and every girl watching is ready to have his.
Now we've had the backstory, it's time for Matty to meet the girls who will be competing for his lurrrrv.
Finally, the FIRST LIMO IS HURRRRR!!! The girls are as follows:
Alix 24, Body Painter
They're both really nervous. He got a good vibe.
Tara 27, Nanny
She scored 2 hugs! Can't blame the girl for going in for seconds. She's an interesting one, as she seems to be more impressed with the house they'll be living in rather than the godly specimen in front of her. She then tells Matty she has a tattoo of a smiley face behind her ear. The only problem is she can't remember which ear it was. Must've been a meaningful one then. His verdict: He thinks she's a lot of fun.
Laura 30, Accessories Designer
"Laura has definitely caught my eye" - Nooooooooo. But she seems nice...kinda. She resembles someone I've seen before. Oh wait, she looks exactly like the woman that broke his heart, Georgia Love. Great.
Cobie 30, Coal Plant Operator
This girl arrived with red heart balloons and shushed him as soon as he spoke. You know, the type of shush you get when you're talking too loud in a cinema..
That's not even the weird part. She proceeds to suck the helium FROM SAID BALLOONS and speaks like Alvin and the bloody Chipmunks! Now I've seen everything.
We then have some sped-up arrivals with the names Simone, Elise and Monica thrown about. They seem pleasant, if a brief hello is anything to go off.
Laura-Ann 27, Criminal Lawyer
This filly wants to meet someone who makes her ovaries tingle...Yah, me too gurl.
The next lot of sped-up arrivals include Elizabeth, Stephanie, Sharlene, Stacey and Sian.
Jennifer 27, Marketing Manager
Asks Matty for dip. Oh wait, I mean to dip HER. Sorry, Doritos were on my mind.
So, he's stated his already blown away and personally, I'm upset he's going through with this.
Natalie 26, Midwife
Her friends describe her at batshit crazy. This is promising..
She says the word 'moist' at least 4 times - still promising. Matty thinks she is "definitely very unique" (aka a nice way of saying she's insane).
SUDDENLY: A cop car with sirens comes through the gates and surprise, surprise...it's another girl! Entrance of THE YEAR. Props to Michelle for doing something different.
We then learn Matty has been in the back of a cop car before - and not for being too good-looking it's illegal. Actually, he peed in a bush. Iconic.
Things take an R Rated turn when he asks to be arrested. I'm sure that was enjoyable......
Belinda 34, Love Coach
Now here's something I never thought I'd see on The Bachelor: A Love Coach! Generally, I'd assume they would have no trouble with finding love but apparently it's not easier for them then it is for us. It's a jungle out in that dating world, I'll tell ya! Belinda goes in for a connection exercise which entails putting each others hands on their heart for a minute. She actually timed it. This meant awkward eye contact which = perfect viewing material. Heh hehhhhh
Florence 27, Brand Manager
Florence is from Holland and brought a sovenir in the form of CLOGS! He'd even look good in them too, that's what's annoying.
Akoulina 29, Gymnast
This girl enters twirling colourful ribbon things. She has now wrapped herself up in them and says she's "a present". Omg...wow. She then twirls and dances herself towards the mansion and Matty is shocked that she hasn't yet pulled a curtain on the performance..."and she's still going!" - I actually laughed out loud.
Lisa 24, Model
Please don't choose a model! (chants x1000). We find out Lisa likes tennis and took his breath away. I swear, if he chooses a model, I will smack my head against a wall. Seriously though.
Leah 24, Architecture student
Leah calls herself the full package. After getting out of the car and introducing herself, she decided messing up his hair is the best way to make him keen on her. But you know, for some reason he doesn't look impressed. They need Osher's hairdresser to fix this STAT.
I wish Lisa left it at that but it hasn't stopped - she starts insinuating sexual contact, which is a bit of a shock to Matty and all of us girls with a bit of dignity out there.
After making her mark on Matty, she definitely continues that streak in the house with the other girls - they already hate her which means better viewing material for us! This is getting good.
Leah is already getting catty and tells everyone she's not wearing underwear. When you thought it couldn't get any worse, it did.
Soon enough, Osher makes his entrance by whacking a glass with a butter knife. Wasn't a bad tune actually. We are taken to a close-up shot of the roses. I wonder if a girl will munch on one of those this year? BRING BACK SASHA THE RUSSIAN ROSE EATER!!!
The girls have all settled in and by settling in I mean sized each other up and started death staring across the courtyard. Matty joins the girls for the cocktail party and ummmm, I swear he gets hotter every time? Is this real life?? They cheers to love (while I cry because I'm not there about to embark on a love-filled journey with Australia's hottest bachelor) and now, it's all about to begin!
Before Matty can take a girl away for a chat, Osher lets them all know there is a secluded place where Matty can take a girl to chat to get away from the others. This is called the Secret Garden, which sounds like there's fairy bread there, but I can't be sure. I could go for some of that right now, tbh.
He steals Laura first off. Aka Georgia Love. He definitely has a type.
Before Laura could have a proper chat with Matty, the lights suddenly go out. Is there a power cut? Did Channel 10 prep for this?
Before long, a chick comes in dancing with fire sticks. FIRE STICKS! I see some OH&S issues arising. She starts dancing all around and the finale shows her puting out her fire sticks in the grass?! Surely that's how bush fires start?
We learn her name is Elora and she is ANOTHER GIRL in the running to win Matty's heart. The girls are pissed off because HOW DARE ANOTHER GIRL COME ON A DATING SHOW WHICH IS ABOUT DATING MULTIPLE WOMEN AT ONE TIME? Rude af.
The bitchiness starts when Leah says Elora's outfit was tacky. But didn't she say she wasn't wearing underwear earlier on? I'm confused. But Elora is winning here because Matty takes her outside for a chat (after she interrupted his time with another girl, but still).
The cocktail party suddenly turns into speed dating. You could say the grass cutting is well and truly underway. Each girl is almost high-fiving as they swap places to chat to Matty. It's great.
Now what would a cocktail party be without some tears, right? A girl is already crying because someone called her dress putrid (which we later learn is because there was actually MUD on the bottom of her dress) and Tara decided to eat popcorn and watch. I'd do the same tbh.
Meanwhile, Natalie is farting and burping her way around the mansion. This girl needs to stay just to weird everyone out. Maybe she could be friends with past contestant and rose eater Sasha?
It's time for Matty to choose a lucky lady to spend some time with in the Secret Garden. What's that? He chooses the model, which is no surprise because every damn guy chooses the model. L-O-L (actually crying). He is definitely keen on this Lisa girl. He tells her she's pretty, butobviously she knows this since she's a model, right? Isn't that a given?? P.S. No sign of fairy bread as of yet.
The night goes on, girls keep fighting and interrupting each other - you know, the usual. Then next thing ya know, Matty picks up a ROSE! Who is he going to give it to? What is he thinking? Where is the fairy bread though? He decides to give it to MICHELLE THE POLICE OFFICERRRRR! Yaaaaaaas gurl, get it. Well deserved! She's great and she's badass - just the kind of lady Matty needs. Obviously I know this since I am a dating expert and all (not).
Before long, it's rose ceremony time and the Law & Order-style music is pumping. This means some hectic stuff is about to go down! Osher informs us that tonight, not one, but TWO girls will go home.
After a whole lot of suspense and more Law & Order-style music, Matty says good-bye to Monica & Stacey. The Bachelor Australia has well and truly kicked off!
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